Make Love Last

It’s hard to believe that after those lofty vows, a relationship could break up because of something as mundane as dishes left in the sink or the protocols reading in bed. Yet even the most evolved relationships get snagged in the pettiest of disputes. And the current recession only makes things worse. During economic stress, you tend not to notice what’s going well and what your partner does to make life easier. In fact, you only notice the irritations.

As the downbeat comments start to build up, you find yourselves going into negativity overdrive, and your default mode of your interactions becomes the blame game. That’s when your fights start to escalate. Harshness and contempt often incite regrettable words and actions. Each partner is then left alone to lick the wounds that result in the misunderstanding. No one dares to revisit the turf voluntarily, and the feelings that have been ignited are left to smolder until the next blowout. When you fight, you’re already stressed out, you’re running out the door, and you haven’t even communicated for a while.

This is a classic disaster pattern, the snowballing of defensiveness, criticism, and lack of communication, and it can suck the lifeblood out of any partnership. The good news is that unhappy couples can learn to emulate happy by being affectionate even under duress. It’s not the negative things that make or break a relationship. It’s the fact that people sometimes no longer care about the small gestures of kindness. It may sound a bit too simplistic to believe that the secret to harmony is piling on praise, but statistics has proven this time and again.

From now on, try to express your appreciation constantly. Think of positive interactions with your partner as small deposits made to your joint emotional bank account. You want to have a substantial amount of positives in reserve to buffer the withdrawals made by criticism and conflict. This is the single most important thing you can do to nurture any relationship. Consistent kindness, especially in the face of conflict, creates a currency of gratitude and goodwill. Your wish for praise could actually be stronger than your wish to be loved and understood.

Unfortunately, it seems as if you grudgingly resist praising those you love. Most people feel that criticism works, and they do it for their partner’s good. But the truth is, this is the top relationship killer. You need to learn how to customize appreciation and find out how your loved one likes to receive it: some like public displays, others like written notes, and others respond better to gifts and gestures. Sometimes, the most powerful expression of appreciation highlights the habitually overlooked, and those are the things that your partner does but doesn’t draw attention to.

It’s time to do damage control. Even though being affectionate during an argument is nearly impossible, therein lies the secret to your happiness. If and when tensions escalate, this is the time to turn to him or her rather than away. Use empathy to help you connect to what the other person is feeling and you will finally have a relationship that will last a lifetime.

Technorati Tags: Damage control, Emotion, Happiness, Health, Make Love Last, Mental Health, relationship, relationship advice, relationship counseling, relationship help, relationship tips, Self-Help, Stress

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